Review: RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987)

Most moviegoers - whether they are fans of the slasher genre or not - who seek out 1987's RETURN TO HORROR HIGH look for an early appearance of Hollywood superstar George Clooney. It doesn't really matter if you're a fan of Mr. Clooney or not - he is one of the most powerful working actors today, and a trip into his not-so-glamorous roles of the past is always interested. It's like watching CUTTING CLASS just to see Brad Pitt, or LEPRECHAUN just to see Jennifer Aniston.

But be warned: if you're looking for Clooney, only watch about the first ten minutes or so of the film. His role is small and he doesn't appear again in the movie. And, after Clooney is gone, there is really no reason to watch this movie anymore. It's horrible. There is no plot to speak of. No creative kills. Very little blood at all. Ugly girls getting naked. And the so-called "spoof" of self-awareness is laughably bland.

None of the characters are interesting. And the entire movie does this weird thing of cutting between the present and the past, which ultimately gets to confusing and the audience can't really tell what's going, if people are really being killed, etc. But then again, the audience probably doesn't care. George Clooney's last moments on screen in Return to Horror High take place, as mentioned, about 10 minutes in. By the time 12 minutes roll by, anyone watching has probably zoned out.

The story revolves around a film crew making a slasher film based on real events. You see, five years ago there was a massacre at a high school. The killer was never caught, but the story faded into urban legend (yes, only after 5 years). Now, some of the crew members shooting the slasher are being picked off. But no one really knows for sure if these people are actually dying, or if they're just leaving the production.

Is Return to Horror High the worst slasher film ever made? It's hard to say. I mean, at least movies like SPLATTER UNIVERSITY have some kind of absurd murders that keep the film afloat, and it never tries to be anything its not. Return to Horror High lacks the interesting murders, and it tries to be funny and witty but it's not. Think of it as a lame pre-SCREAM effort at making fun of slasher movies, without the intelligence of films like SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE.

I honestly cannot say that I would recommend Return to Horror High on any level. Sure, see the first 10 minutes of it, and then stop watching and use your time doing something more constructive. Because Return to Horror High is an hour and a half of nonsense that I'll never get back.

Recommendations:
Splatter University (1984)
Slaughter High (1986)
Cutting Class (1989)